Someone in an online dating group recommended this book:
I am learning so much about myself, my future, and even what happened recently. Here's some great nuggets in a nutshell.
1. Attachment styles
Based on psychological studies, there are three styles:
Secure Attachment -- healthy in relationship, not too needy, not prone to run away or leave
Anxious Attachment - as they get more intimate, they feel the need to be reassured that everything is ok. I am like this now because of my repeatedly being dumped and the abandonment. However, I've been aware of this in myself for 10 years or so and have taken strides to overcome it. One of the big problems is that Anxious Attachment people tend to fall for the next type.
Attachment Avoidant - The closer these people get to someone, the more they want to leave. They can find tons of reasons why this person is not "the one." Instead of trying to stick around and work things out with someone they care about, they will convince themselves that this is not their person and sometimes even just run away. They tend to focus on the negative and don't see the good qualities as often in their partner. A big problem for them is they just get frustrated because they go from person to person finding reasons to reject them and leave.
Of course you can see that someone like me with Anxious attachment can easily push away someone who is avoidant, and then that reinforces the anxious attachment. The author mentions that it's best to look for the Secure types, but also that they are almost always "snatched up" because they are good at relationships.
I believe I have a lot of secure habits and I'd be a great partner because I very much believe in working things out. But I realize I do still have the anxiety about being abandoned because of my past.
We also learned about relationship tendencies. I'm the Romanticizer. (but again I've grown as a person and worked on some of the flaws, but this book is very helpful.)
The Romanticizer -- looks for a magical, happy ever after. Hopes to meet people in an amazing way, and you believe you'll just know when you meet that person. The big problem here is that you may meet in a messy way, or a mundane way. There will be problems and difficulties with any person you try to be with. And the big one here is that you need to realize that a relationship is a choice where you join together with a partner to work on it for life. Romanticizers see the finding of the person as the hard part, and think it will be "happily ever after" that. But the real work begins in the relationship. I realize this and am committed to this.
The Maximizer -- They have to research everything and check every box before they will be convinced. Once you've checked your list and done your analysis, then and only then will you be satisfied. But there will always be the lingering question: is there someone better? So you will have trouble ever committing because you might miss your "maximum" best partner. Tough to be in a relationship with this one.
The Hesitator - Simply put is someone who doesn't think they are good enough or ready for a relationship, so they will find excuses not to try.
Knowing What You Want
The author makes a good case that we have been a bit trained into bias by dating apps, including looking for things like height and income that have been shown in the long run not to affect overall happiness very much. This also includes age ranges. The author says that we miss out on many good matches because we are looking for height, income, and age, and filter some very good people out. That means we never even see them, especially on dating apps. So what does make a good relationship? A good life partner? Ury gives some key insight.
Things that don't matter as much as we think: money, looks, personality and shared hobbies.
Things that DO matter:
1. Emotional Stability -- not giving in to emotions, especially anger. Not being impulsive but reasonable. Does not lash out and people or spend money irresponsibly.
2. Kindness -- how does this person treat others? Kind people will be generous and supportive. This is one trait I have been looking for for a long time.
3. Loyalty - will they stick with you when things get tough? What if you get sick, or injured? What if it is permanent? Will they stay?
4. A Growth Mindset -- a Growth mindset includes a love for learning new things. It also means a kind of person that will face a challenge instead of running from it. They will learn and grow to overcome. When there is a problem these people will rise to the occasion.
5. Nurturing Personality -- someone that encourages you to grow and also feel safe and supported. When you are with them, you feel good and important -- you feel cared for.
6. Conflict Resolution -- are they able to, during a disagreement, keep things calm, still be reasonable, and still want the best for you? Do they see conflict as a normal part of life and not make a big deal out of it? You want someone that will fight for the best result for you both. You need someone who is able to talk things out because otherwise resentment will build up.
One main point is that there will always be certain "unsolvable" problems in a relationship. These could be something as simple as preferences: one partner likes to go out to eat, one likes to stay home. Or something bigger, one is very social and the other is not. You find ways to work around it. You don't give up, see things as doomed, or run away. Once you realize you have a partner that has the good qualities above, you can feel confident that you can deal with the unsolvable.
I'm only halfway through this book but it's what I've learned so far!
